Sometimes He Laughs in His Sleep
The bits on my last post were barely uploaded when our son arrived, a few weeks earlier than expected, but at a healthy 6lbs 5oz. We had gone out to dinner with our realtor (outdoor dining in Burlingame), the first time we ate at a restaurant since before quarantine started, and had barely gotten home when my wife's water broke. We called the hospital and were told to come in, and contractions started on the drive over. They were only a few minutes apart by the time they confirmed medically that labor had started (duh!) and administered the epidural. Things calmed down for a few hours after that, but when it was time to push, they had to call the doctor in quickly, and our son was born with just a handful of pushes. He was considered premature, but only slightly so, and we were discharged from the hospital a few days later under a sky that was dark orange with wildfire smoke.
It all happened very fast, and we have been trying to reorder our lives ever since. Fortunately, I have been able to largely step away from work and hand things off there, which I can now attest is completely necessary. Especially because our son was a little premature, he needed constant attention, even when he was sleeping, because he needs to eat every few hours, and because he would occasionally spit up and choke, which required some intervention as he learned how to clear his throat on his own. It was really mostly exhausting and a little overwhelming.
My wife for some reason decided that she didn't want to take shifts and needed to either stay up the whole night or sleep the whole night, and because I have a hard time staying awake all night, she decided that meant that she needed to watch him at night for most of the first weeks. Also because he arrived early, my wife didn't feel she could step away from work immediately, and was taking calls and turning documents from her hospital bed, and never stopped except when exhaustion forced her to sleep during the day. This past weekend, she became furious with me for not carrying the burden enough, I think because her work was suffering and she feared not being promoted this cycle as she had been expecting, to the point that she said she wanted to get a divorce, give me full custody, and move to the midwest to focus on her career. I knew she was speaking out of fear and exhaustion, and I promised to do more, and she is now letting me take the night watch (sleeping when not feeding/burping/changing, but with the assistance of a "smart sock" pulse oximeter that alarms on our phones if something is amiss), and getting a little more sleep, and the anger and threats seem to have subsided for now. I think we will make it through this together, but it has been a very stressful period, as much as it is joyful. I think she should have taken some leave from work, but I appreciate that her career is a top priority for her, and am trying to support everyone. I'm blessed to have the generous leave policy and support of my firm. And I know she cares about our son too. I see her interact with him and know she loves him.
My wife's parents drove out earlier than they had been planning, and are here now in the second house. We have been having dinner with them most nights, and generally spending our afternoons and evenings with them. They don't babysit all that much, but they do help for a few hours, and that's appreciated. My parents are arriving in a couple of days, and I have the downstairs of the second house ready for their arrival. My mom has repeatedly said that she wants to focus on helping out -- taking care of our son, cooking, cleaning -- so that I can start going back to work part time and stay connected there. I think it will be a great help, but she will only be here for two weeks, so I am actively looking for a nanny to take over after she leaves. It would be very expensive, but now so clearly worth the investment. We just need to find one that has legal residence and work authorization, in addition to being a good fit, which is surprisingly rare around here.
Is it worth it? It's not unequivocal, but I have such high hopes for our lives together, and I look into his eyes, and I see innocence and vulnerability, and sometimes he laughs in his sleep, and I am optimistic. We are very fortunate, despite everything. What a year.