How to Begin?

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I've found that to be true even with the full knowledge and expectation that things are actually pretty bad up close. I'm talking about my relationship with my wife of course; I've been traveling for work (on a cross country flight back to California now), and the hostility has abated while I've been gone. My Ring camera notifies me every time she and my kids come and go at home, and it looks happy and I miss them -- particularly the kids and the dogs, but also the feeling of being together with my family. But I've been on a number of these trips in recent months, and as soon as I get home, I'm reminded of how angry and bitter my wife is toward me, and how claustrophobic I feel around her and my mother in law, and I quickly want to escape again.

It took a lot of months and a lot of thought, and ultimately nerve, to finally tell my wife that, in the wake of all her assertions that she "chose wrong" in marrying me and that she wanted to divorce, I was in agreement that we should probably separate, not only for ourselves but also to spare our kids from an environment in which we bring the worst out of each other. Of course, her reaction was not agreeable, even though I was saying that we were in agreement that it wasn't working out and that I was committed to serving our kids together throughout the process. But that's to be expected, because she can never admit that I'm right or doing anything right. 

That being said, I too have doubts about breaking the commitments we made to each other when we started, when we are apart and in peaceful interludes, but the problematic behavior always quickly returns, as it has persistently for years and years and, if I'm being honest, as it did even before we were married and when I chose to ignore and tolerate it more. I think I'm just longing for and holding onto a relationship that doesn't actually exist in reality, with her at least. My wife proposed couples therapy, but we tried that before, and my wife's focus in those sessions was always on changing me, without a moment of self reflection or humility about her own role in our dysfunction, and she seems to continue to have that attitude about it. I may agree to participate anyway to show that I'm trying in good faith and because I don't see a need to rush the separation process or make it more traumatic than necessary, but I have low confidence in any necessary change resulting.

So that's where that stands, but enough about that for now, and maybe for a while. I have amazing kids, a lot of privilege, and parents and siblings and a few friends who are always there for me when the rubber hits the road. And this isn't the first time I've started over when it comes to looking for a true life partner; after all this, and especially now that I have my kids in my life, I'm not sure that's a necessary concept, but there is still a distant hope of living life fully and happily together with someone yet to be discovered. I'm not in a rush about that either, but it's another spark of freedom that makes separation feel right even though it still feels tragic at times too.